Parenting When Separated

I Am Mean to My Children’s Mother, But Don’t Know Why

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

“I don’t know why. We live together and have two beautiful sons,but I’m just get so angry and irritated when she’s around me. We have had a very rocky 4 years together, but lately I just can’t understand why I am so mean to her. I don’t like spending time with her, hearing her voice, etc. I love her and I see her definitely see her trying to get better, but I just can not bear it. I thought that with the constant bickering that I just lost interest, but I think its deeper than that. I don’t hate her, after yesterday and I sat and thought about her crying I just felt bad. She’s not an angel either, but I do realize that I tend to be a little cold to her. We’ve had so much fighting in the past that everything thing she does or says to me, I take as an attack and its not necessarily so. Somedays I want to be with her, some days I want her out of my life. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with depression, but I think with me being in the Navy and always gone; I tend to take it out her whether she deserves it or not. Please help, I want to be better for our kids, but can you help identify what it is about her that just grinds my gears? or is it just me being plain old mean me?”

A: The relationship is not that old — 4 years — and your insight about your patterns and reactions sounds clear. This is a perfect opportunity to do some couples work and get to the bottom of it all. A couple’s therapist will help you sort through the cause of the friction and help you obtain tools to improve the connection between the two of you. The find help tab at the top of the page will point you to people in your area. Find someone who sees couples and let them help you feel better about each other.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral